My Our Daughter’s) Bio Mom;
I am writing this to share my complex and often incompletely understood feelings towards you. Let me begin by thanking you for not terminating your pregnancies. Although some of what I have to say to you will be hard to read, I am ultimately grateful that you loved
your my our daughters enough to carry them to term, deliver them, and devote some level of care to them.
When I write “devote some level of care,” I am sorry that my words likely come across as angry or bitter. While I cannot deny feeling unpleasant, and even hostile feelings towards you numerous times over the course of years, I am not currently battling those feelings. At least not today.
On the day of
my our ten year old daughter’s birthday I thought of you.
I thought of all you are missing.
I thought of all I missed, and all you likely missed while battling your own demons. I thought of precious childhood memories and milestones barely noticed.
I thought of the damage you caused them.
I thought of your loss, heartache, and regret.
I thought of the hurt they have overcome, and the hurt they will have to overcome time and again as they hit life’s major milestones.
I thought of what they lost by not being with you anymore.
I thought of what they lost by not being with me at the beginning.
I thought of your childhood, your unhealthy relationships; your hurts.
As I pondered all these things, my emotions ranged from anger, to extreme sadness, to love.
Although I cannot pretend the start you gave my girls was the one they deserved, I do not hate you.
How could I hate someone who created the daughters I love?
How could I hate a person for her poor choices when I have not lived her life?
How could I not forgive you for your parenting mistakes when Jesus, and my children, forgive me for mine?
I am just as certain that I have not felt the complex cloud of varied thoughts and emotions towards you for the last time as I am certain I have not struggled to help
my our daughters deal with their feelings towards you for the last time. The catch-phrase “the struggle is real” is tossed about for all kinds of humorous situations, but it applies perfectly to my feelings, and the feelings of my our daughters, towards you.
The struggle is real.
Even my feelings regarding you meeting the girls again one day move about like a balloon in a windstorm. I want them to see you well, and to know you, while at the same moment I worry that seeing you well could bring about more hurt and anger.
“Why couldn’t she get healthy for me?”
I am so glad I have a faith that tells me there is the opportunity for the redemption of all we have done, and all we have suffered through. I am so glad that God’s timing is always perfect, and that I can give that worry to Him. I am also glad that when I have a moment of ugly satisfaction that
my our oldest says that does not want to meet you again, even in that ugly moment, God still loves me. Believe it or not, I am also overjoyed that He has always loved you.
I pray you know that, or will come to know that.
For all the complex, oft guilt-ridden emotions I may feel towards you over the course of time, I am glad that through my faith I can always come back to this:
I hope and pray you are well, and remain well. I truly hope and pray you have found happiness and wholeness. I hope and pray you can forgive yourself, and those who have hurt you.
Until we meet one day, with love,